Judypie.com: Funny Emails 2


	Funny Emails 2 I had to make a new page for the new emails ....Click here for the old page *Bumper Stickers* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Horn Broken...Watch For Finger. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Earth Is Full - Go Home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illiterate? Write For Help. ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If Anything Falls Off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies tell Me To. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fight Crime: Shoot Back! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ax Me About Ebonics. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Boldly Going Nowhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND Finally - 'POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.' ------------------------------------------------ ---If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone ! (and God love that pig!) ------------------------------------------------------- Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a sexy leather outfit, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather outfit, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather outfit, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word.. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night; I got myself ready, leather outfit, and super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the remote control and a beer and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life 1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer. 3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife. 6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend. 8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Philosophy of Ambiguity 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if told me ,it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 20. How do they get deer to cross the road at those yellow road signs? 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 22. One nice thing about egotists: They don¢t talk about other people. 23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? 30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?